Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Epic of NOOB
Funny post from back when I played retail (pre bc release) in 05 or 06 whenever that was from the Doomhammer server.  Found it in a txt document I must have saved when searching for another document.  

Figured you guys might get a laugh out of it, or could even continue it

The EPIC of NOOB...

If you dont play warcraft, dont bother reading this, you wont get it.

This is how it works. I will start the story, and we will add to it as time goes on. Wherever the tale leads, so be it. You can contribute however much you want to, but there are some rules.

Rule 1: Stay with the story, do not bash other players. Sure you can include yourself in the story, but try to keep focused on the main character. Limit any (playing) characters to 1 per post. For example, include either yourself or 1 other person into the story at a time. Pre-existing added characters CAN remain.

Rule 2: Continue from where the last post concluded. Do not suddenly have the main character in space sucking a lollypop.

Rule 3: If you are going to respond to something someone else wrote, please keep it small. We want mostly add-ons to the story.

Rule 4 There is no 4


Rule 6: If in the off chance that posts overlap, meaning that you write something after someone else adds, the NEXT person will choose which version to continue. This is why we want to keep additions small =P

Rule 7: I will edit the story! Muahahaha!

If and when the story becomes too large for one post, I will delete this thread and begin anew.

The first will be long to get the story moving, after that, short additions are appreciated. And Sarana, this is my compromise of not adding you to my REAL book Wink Let the Epic of NOOB begin!!!


Our tale starts on a stormy night before the gates of Scholomance. Rain falls from the dark clouds, already fogging what little moonlight that tries to reach the party below.
NOOB a Paladin of eloquent and devastating power waits for his party members to tell him what to do. He wields a mace that is even greener than he is at 57 levels of pure power....
"Alright NOOB," Sarana begins, "we're all here for you, lets go."
"Go where?" This response does not bode well with the Hunter of the party.
"Through the gate dumbass! Don't TELL me you forgot your key again."
"Well I uhh...."
"FFS!" Sarana cries, "Lets go, I brought mine because I know how much of an idiot you can be."
The party walks through the gates as the rain continuously stops and continues behind them.
"!&$%ing lag!" Sarana complains, "Why do they add stuff when they cant fix other things?"
"Who are THEY?" NOOB asks. Sarana doesn't bother to return the question.
As they zone in, NOOB removes his mace from his back. Before them is a group of skeletons. NOOB knows what must be done...
"Alright,' Sarana begins. "We have a balanced group with us, all save for the Paladin of Death here, well kick some ass in here! Now NOOB, put Blessing of Salvation on me because im going to be an Aggro [email protected]!& in here."
NOOB looks at her perplexed, "Whats Aggro? And Blessing of Salvation? I never learned that one, I don't think."
An awkward silence settles over the party members...
"Okay then..." Sarana begins. She walks over to the gate and opens it, the skeletons are now right before them. In what could be considered a dash, NOOB charges...
"NOOB WTF!!!" Sarana cries out as another group of skeletons enclose around them.

(Freyk) The skeletons grinned wickedly, brandishing rusty swords. Behind them, shambled several very hungry undead.
"Oh WHY did we have to take this noob with us," Sarana complained. A wicked idea came to her...she muttered it beneath her breath,
"Why don't I just feign death and let all these suckers die?" She shook her head and raised her deadly bow, at the same time commanding her faithful Ellene to charge.
Sarana could see the paladin wildly swinging his mace in all directions. She heard him muttering something beneath his breath...but she could not discern what he was saying, but it sounded something about some guy named Leeroy. Just then, the NOOB paladin took a hard blow from a zombie, his shiny new armor dented. He grunted from the blow and somehow managed to keep swinging.

(Dyermaker) After the fighting subsided, Sarana unleashed one last arrow at the writhing body of an almost-dead zombie.
"Nice armor %@$%head, lol" she laughed, looking at the massive dent in the NOOB paladin's shiny new banana-yellow armor. With a puzzled look in his face, the NOOB paladin gazed in horror at the massive dent in his brand new chest piece. Sarana noticed his distress, as tears began to trickle down his horrible looking goatee.
"Omg, my wife is going to beat the $[email protected]% out of me, she just bought me this for my birthday" NOOB cried, "She told me I was too much of a !&$%@ for a Scholo run, and now Dyer is going to make fun of me too!
"Stop crying, you goddamn NOOB" Sarana yelled.

(Fatimarules) Scratching the dent in his new armor NOOB shed a single tear. Sarana strolled over and smacked him on the head, "NOOB why is your armor broken after the first pull??!!" NOOB choked back a tear and looked into Sarana's eye whimpering, "Fatima was killing the Argent Dawn repair guy, I asked her to stop but she said she was grinding to hated with the Argent Dawn." Sarana let out a deep sigh and searched her bags for a trusty repair bot for our hero NOOB.

(Teglail) Sarana let down the repair bot.
"Now repair NOOB!" Sarana exclaimed. NOOB looked utterly perplexed by this.
"But Sarana I do not have any gold and what does a repair bot do with the money?" Sarana looked aghast at him,
"Do you...never mind…just take this" Sarana gave the NOOB 5 gold pieces without another look at him. NOOB repaired his armor, and they pressed on…
After what seemed like forever, they reach the gates. Sarana stopped to explain what to do next but it was no use. Like lighting, NOOB bolted through the gates only to be met with a pack of deadly diseased rats.

(Dilion) Clearly this was a job for leet Pally DPS. NOOB hacked away at the 5 level one rats for what must have been 6 minutes. Perplexed the group merely watched in stunned silence. Triumphant he turned to face his group, certain they would be in awe of his prowess. It was then that the patrol happened upon our hero and the real fight began.

(Sarana) "YOU PULLED AGGRO AGAIN, $&[email protected] RETARD!" Sarana screamed.
"I swear, you must be related to that dumbass Enlil."
NOOB looks down at his now soiled pants and begins to cry.
As NOOB begins to cast cleans on his skirt, Ninja appears out of the mist as he cheap shots the lone undead patrol. "I'LL SAVE YOU NOOB, I'M AWSOME!"
As Ninja slowly pokes at the level 14 undead with his epic [Worn Dagger], he beings to realize he can not handle it by himself. He searches his bags for Blinding Powder. "OMG SAVE ME SARANA, I'M OUT OF POWDER AND I'M SO DUMB!"

(Enlil) With lightning clashing behind his eyes, Dyermaker begins the incantation. Moonfire rains down from the heavens, so quickly into the oncoming patrol...
NOOB swings this mace with a threatening force of 36dps, his health was dwindling, his mana was not...
"Dyermaker!" Sarana screamed. "Heal that idiot!"
The Druid was unmoved, and moonfire continued to fall into their enemies. "Damnit!" The Druid complained, "I said Might me NOOB!" But NOOB was too busy with his enclosing foes to notice, he continued his offense.
His health was nearly spent, his mana bar full, there was only one thing he could do. "Lay on Hands!!!" NOOB cried, but the spell that nourished even the weakest ally did not hit whom NOOB intended. Instead, Dyermaker got hit with the blast of pure healing power.

(Fatimarules) Upon being rejuvenated by the awesome powers of Lay on Hands Dyermaker's evil eye glowed brightly and he swung his mighty mace crushing the powerless skeleton and turning the bones into a pile of bits and pieces. Sifting through the carcass Dyermaker found a lone scourgestone. Before he could lift it NOOB scooped it up and exclaimed "Woo Shiny!" Then NOOB went to give it back to Dyermaker only to find the scourgestone had become stuck to his hand. "How come I can't give this to you?" NOOB pondered. Shaking his head slowly Dyermaker was furious, "Bind on pickup NOOB!"
Sarana stood in front of the bewildered party with her hand up and said, "Listen I have mad epics, they cost me a lot of gold to repair and I am not going to let noob in his random greens cost me 10 gold or more in repairs. So from now on I am pulling, Dyermaker is healing, Ninja is DPSing, NOOB is tanking, and Superkid is...SUPERKID?!" Suddenly a vision of perfection peered from the shadows as the legendary Superkid smirked at the party. As Sarana tried to figure out how a member of the Horde was able to complete such an amazing feat Superkid began to speak. "ZOGM dueds thiss dungoen is the sukc."

(Nalyd ) From behind Superkid, appeared Nalyd. Superkid cried, "My merry band of doods and i are coming to save u frm this suxy instance". Nalyd formulated a very complex plan to take on this elite party of the alliance!
"I'll MT. Superkid is healer/dps. The rest of u ass farms run in circle's nude around them."
Superkid nodded in accord, "That si suond's ghood.

(Enlil) "Hey!?" NOOB pondered, how can we understand them?"
Ninja looked at NOOB surprised beneath his mask, "Wow NOOB, im surprised that you even know that...if not anything...but Superkid and I have been able to communicate for some time. You are right, technically he CANT talk cross-faction, he just types so unbelievably horrid that it actually comes across as English!"
"Cross-what?" NOOB asked

(Zatsiram ) Ninja sputtered in disbelief, "Cross-faction, like Horde and Alliance! Don't you know ANYthing???"
"OMG those guys are HORDE!!!" NOOB pondered the possibilities. Ready to test his might in PvP he lunged. He and Superkid squared off. The first blow landed from the mighty NOOB and Superkid moaned in irritation from NOOB's elite DPS.
Dyermaker, oblivious, watched contentedly as the ass farmers ran around him naked.

(Enlil) Dyermaker frowned in disappointment when he realized that NOOB hadn't even bothered healing himself after the last fight. NOOBs health and mana were already low, but that didn't stop our hero...
Again, and again, NOOB's mace hit Superkid, but the Tauren Hunter's health was unmoved.
"Geze u hit lkiea NewB!!one!1" Superkid called out in his foreign tongue. But NOOB persisted, calling out in pain as the Tauren crit him for 200 damage.
"Doo u lkie my atack pwoewr NOEWB?"
There was only one thing he could do before he was going to die, a talent passed on down through the ages in the Order of Light. An ability taught only to the most powerful and worthiest of all Paladins.
Around our hero, a bubble erupted, protecting him from the onslaught of Superkid's attacks. He began the incantation. Green filled his hands, in 8 seconds, he would worry no longer...

(Fatimarules) With the onslaught from Superkid, now accompanied by his band of merry men, NOOB was beginning to sweat as he hoped and prayed for his mighty spell to complete before his vulnerability was exposed. As Superkid came down in force with his mighty axe, NOOB vanished from sight.
NOOB closed his eyes in fear as he was whisked through the Twisting Nether into the far reaches of Azeroth. When he opened his eyes he was greeted by the familiar faces in his ancestral home Northshire.

(Grobblestein) NOOB stood before the church where he was molested in his early days, he wondered what had become of his party back in Scholomance, but getting to level 58 drove him, he needed to find another group.
"How about him?" Shmittymcgee , a level 33 priest, asked his party. Shmitty was on his way to Gnomergean with his friends. He sent NOOB and invite, NOOB accepted.
Haunted by his past, NOOB turned away from the Northshire Church and began to leave his home.
"Where are you coming from NOOB?" Shmitty asked.
"What guild is this?" NOOB asked curiously "And where are we going?"
"Were from Wrath of the Unicorn." Shmtty replied, "And were on our way to Gnomergean."
"Gnomerigan? I wont get xp there! I need to do high level instances!"
There was a pause before Shmitty responded…"Then…why were you in Northshire?"
The flashbacks came to NOOB with the mention of the name. So painful they almost blinded him. Father Davis stood before him, his pants down to his ankles. "Come NOOB, and I shall show you the journey to the light!"
NOOB began screaming. Shmittymcgee was becoming frightened.

(Redingle) Flashbacks like this had been haunting NOOB nearly every night recently. Suddenly, however, he felt as if his very soul was being pulled into the twisting nether and a message popped up in front of him. It read: Redingle would like to summon you to the gates of Scholomance
"I gotta go." NOOB explained to Shmittymcgee.
"Please do…" was all NOOB read before he glanced at the loading screen.
"OH NOES!" My computer froze he cried, as he appeared in front of the angry Ninja, Redingle, Dyermaker, and Sarana. Redingle handed NOOB a healthstone/
"NOOB…" Red explained, "Use this, it will restore some health. And by the way, you CAN heal. If you Bubble-hearth again, I will unleash my Zulian Tiger on your ass. "

(Enlil) NOOB was confused, "How will a Tiger attack me?"
Redingle rubbed his temples in frustration, "Man! This is just like trying to get through a conversation with a GM. Look NOOB, though your Bubble-Hearth is a GREAT technique, only pansies use it, and believe us when we say weve pvp'd with quite a few."
"Dont even get me started!" Sarana agreed. "Now NOOB, you know why we are here right?"
NOOB scratched his head, "I think so...."
"Well thats your problem dumbass! DONT think! Just listen, were here on the trail of the legendary Ashbringer, we thought it would be funny to put in the hands of a Tool like yourself. We learned of its whereabouts from the greatest paladin ever to play on this server."
"Enlil?" NOOB interrupted. Immediately the entire party began rolling on the floor with laughter.
"Enlil!!?? Are you !&$%ing nuts!!???" Dyermaker cried. "No. She means Eldunry."

(Gorridire) Scrappy, kicking back and enjoying the cold, peaceful ambiance of Dun Morugh was startled when she felt her own soul being pulled
Redingle wants to summon you to the Scholomance Gates. In her mind, she heard the whispers of those she had connected with on her own journeys.
Saranas voice came to her, "NOOB needs your help badly. If he lays hands on Dyer one more time I may kill him."
Ninjas followed, "You have GOT to see this !&$%ing noob cry over his bent armor. I'll scratch it with my [Worn Dagger] once you get here."
and then NOOB "I love torch."
She received one more tell as she wound her way through the twisting nether. It was a voice she had only read about in myth and legend
"NOOB is suxors in da suxiest insatnce. He helals like warrior."
Superkid? She thought to herself. How can I hear tells cross-faction?
Soon after she opened her eyes and found herself in the Eastern Plaguelands.

(Redingle) As the epic group, and NOOB, were about to zone back into scholo, to continue their quest to find the Ashbringer, the Arathi Basin battle master called them all to arms...
BATTLE!!!!!!!! they all cried.

(Enlil) "OMG! Where!? NOOB cried. He looked around himself, his mace held sloppily in his hands. What do I do?" NOOB asked.
"Hit Join Battle NOOB" Redingle explained, and they were transported from the dreary instance immediately. The sun came out above them somehow, for some reason wherever they were, time held no sway...
"Ah crap!" Dyermaker complained as usual. "Its Agony, and we have 10 pickups....If only Volcan were here...."
"Who gives a $[email protected]%!" Sarana yelled, "Lets kick some ass!"
"Agony?" NOOB asked, "You mean you went to the bathroom?"

(Matrim) Sarana sighed. "NOOB, why do you have the same equipment on that you started the game with? NOOB looked at her with confusion. "What do you mean? I have my mace!
Again, Sarana sighed, GODDAMMIT NOOB!!!

(Enlil) NOOB ran toward the stables, around him, the raid galloped by swiftly. Mount up NOOB! Dyermaker called, but NOOB continued his slow dash.
"I never bought a mount!" NOOB screamed. "I went to buy a horse but I didnt know where to look! His words barely caught up to the rest of the party as they rode towards the mine. Alone, and with the other 10 riding around aimlessly, NOOB was faced with a level 60 Warrior to fight, all alone. NOOB pissed his pants again as Bumzab approached.
"Please dont hit me, please dont hit me!" But Bumzab did not understand his foreign tongue. With one blow, Bumzab slammed into NOOBs garments. With a bleeding 5 hit points left, NOOB screamed, and Bumzab did the same in rage. NOOB began running around uncontrollably, and then suddenly, he was falling. Falling and falling, the world he knew left far above him. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" He screamed as he slammed into nothingness and died.
When his eyes opened, shadow and mist swirled all around him, there was no up, no down, he had no idea where he was. But in front of him, was a ghost. NOOB screamed again, and if spirits had bladders, his would have been relieved yet again. The ghost did not move, it did not speak; it only stood watching NOOB curiously.
"Who...w-who.are y-you?" NOOB asked, almost afraid of the answer. The ghost opened his mouth, and as he did, the void of nothingness rumbled.
"I am Uther, of the Order of Light. I have been waiting for you for a long time NOOB. I am glad that you have found me."
"You ARE?" NOOB awed.
"No...not really. But you are the first to find me, so I must tell you what I know of the legendary sword Ashbringer."
NOOBs eyes widened.
"First," Uther began, "You must find the gnome named Chromie, but in order for her to tell you where it is, you must achieve Hated with the Argent Dawn. After this is done, you must travel to the Forgotten Isles, and find the true King of Stormwind. There, he will tell you to knit a scarf while jumping on one foot. If you can do this, you will be led to his son, the current King of Stormwind. There, you will be expected to do cartwheels around the throne room in a PERFECT circle. If your calculations are off at all, you will fail. After that, travel to Ogrimmar and solo their king, the vile wretch known as Thrall, and loot the [Essence of time] from his corpse. You then will take this essence back to Chromie, and she shall tell you to go and fish up the hilt of the sword in a location that will never be found. This will require the highest fishing level you can achieve. When you finally get the [Hilt of Ashbringer], you must take it back to Chromie, there she will tell you to destroy the [Essence of time]."
"But wont that be a waste?" NOOB asked.
"Exactly." And dont interrupt me. After you have destroyed the [Essence of time] you will take the [Hilt of Ashbringer] to the Prince in Dire Maul, there he will send you to kill the vile Dragon known as Nefarion. After you kill Nefarion, You shall stick the hilt into his belly, and the sword will be yours!"
NOOB stood and awed at the story. He couldnt wait to begin. "Yay! I cant wait to tell my friends! Thank you Lord Uther! And goodbye!"
"Goodbye NOOB!" Uther called, "And remember, you dont have friends, you have people who laugh at you."
"Ill never forget!" NOOB exclained at the neither swarmed around him and he came to on the battlefield. "W-what happened? He asked."
Serenity, a Nightelf priestess was kneeling over him. "This is him then?" Serenity asked.
"Yea, this is the tool." Sarana explained. "Come on NOOB, lets get back to it. We still need to find the Ashbringer."
NOOB bounced up. "I KNOW WHERE IT IS! I know what I have to do!" NOOB explained the story to the party.
"So wait," Serenity started, "If we give this [Essence of time] to Chromie, and she has us destroy it, wont that just be a waste of time?"
"EXACTLEY!" NOOB exclaimed.
"No idiot. She means that it would be pointless to do that."
"Kind of like boobs without nipples!" Dyermaker added.
"Dyer, shut up." Ninja complained.
"Right!" Serenity continued. "So lets do this! Make way to the Ruins of Andorhal!"

The party walked through Andorhal quietly, avoiding the time consuming mobs as often as they could.
"This is just stupid." Redingle complained. "Talking to Chromie is just going to be a waste of time."
"An [Essence of time]." NOOB added. He couldnt wait to talk to her.
"I dont know guys. I dont even feel like coming." Dyermaker added. "I cant stand this game anymore. I have a girlfriend now."
"A girl wha?" Sarana laughed. "WoW is > all moron! Now sack up and lets go..... NOOB!" Sarana screamed. But the Dwarf Paladin was walking towards Araj, a terrible lych. "WTF are you doing?"
"Chromie is this way!" NOOB explained. But then, the Ghouls and Abominations enclosed around them
"CRAP!" Serenity called shackles up from the ground, ensnaring some of them in chains, but it was not enough, there were too many.
Sarana continued to draw arrow after arrow at the enclosing undead, Redingle slammed bolts of shadow into his enemies, but they came quicker than they died. Dyermaker stood still.
"NOOB you !&$%ing moron! Chromie isnt there anymore, they changed that like a year ago dumbass!"
NOOB screamed like a woman as the undead were clawing at him. His mace swung wildly side to side, as his health was nearly spent.
"Dyer heal him!" Serenity cried out as he busied himself with the rest of the party. Araj was advancing toward them now, his claws slammed into NOOB as Dyermaker let off a heal restoring NOOBs health completely. But NOOB panicked, his bubble came around him, and Araj headed straight for Dyer.
"Oh !&$%!" Dyer cried, "Its MORPHIN TIME! Oh man....ive always wanted to say that." Immediately Dyermaker took on the form of a bear and slammed into Araj. The two slashed back and fourth as the rest of the party busied themselves with the adds.
"Dyer!" NOOB cried out, "Dont worry im coming!"
"No NOOB! I can handle it!" but NOOB leapt in the air, and sent his mace coming down with a colossal fury on Arajs head, so hard the summoner actually flinched. A frost bolt sent NOOB flying and Dyer continued to fight the lych. But then, to everyones horror, Dyermaker cried out in agony as the lychs claws ripped through his leather armor, and blood flew open from his wound. Time seemed to slow, as everyone watched the druid topple. But then, he seemed to regain a last strength somehow.
"!&$% $[email protected]% ass cock, !&$%! !&[email protected]$ pump! Toiletry! $!@% MOTHER !&$%ING BARBRA STREISAND!"
A moonfire larger than any of them had ever seen came down from the heavens and utterly destroyed the lych. The ground shook and after the blinding light had died, Araj was no more. The mobs were all dead, and the party looked to their fallen comrade. NOOB rushed over and held Dyer in his arms.
"Dyer?.... DYER!?"
Dyermaker slowly opened his eyes and looked at the paladin
"NOOB.....atlast....The Moonfire has left my veins...I am under its spell no longer.....I....have freed.....myself."
NOOB looked down at his friend as Dyermakers eyes closed forever, "No my friend, you have freed us all...." NOOB looked to the heavens and screams dramatically.

(Sarana) Sarana boggled at the situation. Dyer is dead... haha, lets get some lunch, Im starving.

(Ninja) "!&$%! NO ONE !&$%ING HELPS ME!!! Cant you bitches see IM HUNGRY!!???", Sarana screamed. "While Dyer was making love to his new boyfriend over there, you !&$%ers left me to finish off the adds. Where the !&$% were you Nina???"
Sarana looked around for a minute and finally spotted Ninja off to the side doing some crazy martial arts.
"Kiyaaah!", shouted Ninja, as he struck the air furiously. "WAIT. What did you call me?! My name isn't NINA you ass!"
"NINA, NINKA, WHATEVER! I'm !&$%ing DONE this is STUPID. You guys are on your own to get the Ashbringer.", stated Sarana.
Green leaves and energy began swirling around Sarana's hands as she started to hearth.
"HOLD IT!", exclaimed NOOB. "Dyer is alive! I found a spell in my book for resurrection and it worked!"
Sarana canceled her hearth and peered towards Dyer's lifeless corpse.
"You !&$%ing NOOB, you forgot to select his corpse.", said Sarana.
" bad.", said NOOB, sheepishly.
NOOB targeted Dyer and began his spell. A few seconds later Dyer stood up and stretched his limbs.
"NOOB you're a !&$%ING CHOIR BOY!!....but....I....I....I love you!", said Dyer.
Dyer passionately embraced NOOB.
"What the !&$%?", Sarana said while shaking her head. "Let's just get on with it..."
"Ninjass, where the !&$% are you?"
Ninja dropped down from one of the ruined buildings rooftop.
"Haha you couldn't see me, could you? 5/5 in Master of Deception. I WIN!", laughed Ninja.
Ninja then took off in the direction of Chromie.
"Follow me, I know the waaaaay...", his voice trailing off in the distance.

(Kikaro)The group continued on their journey passing the corpses of the undead recently slain. As they walked a Gnome Warlock crossed the road before them, his Voidwalker pet in tow.
" AHH! Warlock! RUN!!! " NOOB cried. Immediately his bubble surrounded him as he began to tremble.
"Umm….huh?" Kikaro asked obviously confused.
"Dont EZCOIL me please!!!" NOOB cried
"Um, you do realize I am alliance right? I cant attack you unless you duel me... " The warlock seemed to suppress his laughter.
"Don't mind him." Dyermaker began, "A Warlock killed his parents with a stove."

(Enlil) NOOB ran off leaving the others long behind him. He ran so fast from the Warlock that eventually he came to a house.
"Got to hide!" He cried to himself.
Inside, he dashed up the stairs as fast as he could before tripping at the top.

His face hit the wooden floor hard, breaking his nose.
"WTF?" A squeaky voice said. "Whos there?"
NOOB got up hesitantly. "My name us NOOB....w-who are you?"
"Im Chromie...are you okay? Your nose....its bleeding."
NOOB only stared at her as the blood and snot ran down his mouth and into his beard. "Huh?"
"Never mind..." Chromie began, "How can I help you NOOB?"
NOOB smiled, only making his appearance all the more disturbing. "Lord Uther sent me! Im here on the path to find the Legendary Ashbringer!"
Chromie immediately smirked, "Are you now?" she began with a condescending tone. "Few have ever taken the journey, are you prepared for it?
Chromie was startled, "WTH is the matter with you?"
"MY NOOOOOOSE!!!" NOOB screamed.
"Are you kidding me???" Chromie began, "What are you some sort of retard?"
NOOB Sobbed, "NO! Ive been through allot today! OKAY!?? I watched a friend die....HE DIED IN MY ARMS!!!!"
"And then you resurrected him you twit. I was watching from my balcony. By the way, you DO realize you can heal yourself right?"
NOOB stood for a moment...still as could be. He held his hand up to his nose, and with a flash of light, his nose was healed.
"I think I realize now why Uther gave you this quest."
"You DOOOOO?" NOOB awed.
"Yea, I do. If you do succeed....itll be hilarious, and the entire world will laugh..err I mean worship you."
"Oh yea....are you ready for your first assignment?"
"AM I!!??" NOOB exclaimed...but it was a question not a statement as Chromie assumed.
"First, you must travel to Ogrimmar and kill Thrall...the leader of the Horde. Bring me the [Essence of time] from his corpse. After this is done...I will tell you more."
NOOB was confused. "Wait...what? What about all the other stuff?"
"Other stuff?" Chromie asked.
"Yea, Uther told me to go and see the King of Stormwind and knit a scarf while jumping on one foot, and then to....ummmm see his son and do cartwheels around the throne room."
Chromie immediately began laughing.
"Oh that Uther he is such the prankster. He was fucking with you NOOB. All of that stuff was cut out patches ago."
"Go my child, gather your the mightiest of your friends for this task. Kill Thrall and return to me."

NOOB exited the house to see that the party had caught up with him. NOOB peaked out from behind the door frame before venturing into the open.
"Is that Warlock gone?"
Sarana sighed. "What did you find out?"
"We need to go kill Thrall, hes in Thunderbluff. Then we need to bring the essence back to Chromie."
"Thunderbluff?" Serenity giggled.
"Well then lets go then, Im getting tired of this stupid quest. Im rolling on Ashbringer anyway, that sword is such a hunter weapon."
"Oh god here we go...." Redingle moaned.
"Hey wait...." NOOB looked around. "Where is Nina?"
"Nina really isnt his name NOOB." Dyermaker explains. "God youre retarded!"
"Ninja had to leave due to "circumstances"" Sarana explained.
"Why are you using quotes?" Dyermaker asked, "He doesnt want to talk about it stupid! I did my time when I left, now everyone in my neighborhood knows who I am."
"*cough* Dyermakerlikesboys *cough*" Deatheria said from behind Dyermaker.
"WTF?" Dyer asked startled, "Where did you come from?"
"Im a Rogue dummy." Deatheria explained.

(Danger) "Who are you." Exclaimed NOOB with a perplexed look on his face.
Sarana siged, "This is Detheria….you've only met multiple times."
"Really? I can get all that for how much?" NOOB interrupted.
"NOOB,…who or what are you talking too…?" says Sarana. "You aren't making any sense!"
"I like little boys!" Dyer said drooling from behind them
After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Dyermaker seemed to snap out of it. "Oh! I mean… WTF is going on NOOB?"
"What do you mean what's going on? Don't you guys hear that? Its like an angels' voice is speaking to me. It sounds like purple!"
"….Sounds like purple? Seriously NOOB you cant be that stupid can you?" Sarana sighed, "Ill play along though. What does this …angel say?"
"You really dont hear it? Its saying I can get cheap gold if I go to but I dont know what that means…… Is that a town on the way to Thunderbluff?"
In a unique motion that had to be seen. Sarana slapped both her heads on the forehead with two of her hands and simultaneously slapped one of her knees with her third. "Let's just get going."

(Enlil) How do I buy gold?" NOOB asked.
"Well first you have to get a job." Deatheria explained. "But I doubt you have one..."
"Im only 14!" NOOB exclaimed.
"Pifft! I was working the streets when I was 12!" Dyermaker laughed. "NOOB dont be a pansy. WORK THAT ASS!" Immediately Dyer began grinding on NOOB from behind.
"GAH!" NOOB cried out, "whats going on!?"
"BAD DYER!" Sarana screamed as she waved a scroll before the Druid.
Immediately Dyermaker withdrawaled. Cowering before the parchment.
"Court order dumb ass! Stay away from Children!"
"I was just kiddin around sheesh!" Dyermaker explained as his eyes burned with a forbidden passion at the Dwarf.
"Come on lets go." Sarana said wearily.

They had flown to Menethil and were boarding the boat. The sounds and smell of the sea filled the air, and waiting also by the boat was another member of their party.

 Chauda looks over as he hears NOOB scream out his name.....upon seeing NOOB Chauda sighs heavily. "I told you NOOB, its CHAUDA- get it right.....what took you guys so long? let me guess dyer had to stop to hump some random children on the way here?"
"Hey man that was ONE TIME, god damnit i told you i was in heat, i cant help myself!" screamed dyer.
"Good to see you Chauda, thanks for meeting us here, you didnt have to wait long i hope?" asked serenity hoping to get things back on track.
"Nah i just got here, i had to give spelling lessons to that noob valentino earlier but other than that ive been sitting in ironforge giving people ports to darnassus telling them it was stormwind."
The group of gay n' lovin it companions looked out on the horizon and saw their boat was just pulling into the harbor.....

 Theramore Isle. Sarana's brow furrowed against the harsh sunlight as she looked on.

Gruff shouts between the dockmen on the approaching quay and the Menethillium Falcon's sailors heralded the end of their journey. Arms rich with sinews and tattoos moved methodically among ropes and boathooks; the vessel was made fast and a broad, sun-bleached gangplank fell into place with a dusty crack. The shouts had ended as abruptly as they had begun, the sailors and dockmen already tending to other business.

"It's been a long time, Kalimdor," Sarana whispered to herself, as she stepped onto the pier.

There was unease here. No banter among the mariners, no laughter. As the soundscape fell away to the gulls and the waves below the pier, Sarana heard it. Drums. Ogrimmar's wardrums rumbled like faint thunder to the north. The Horde. Ogrimmar. Thrall. Sarana grimaced, the realization of their mission making sudden weight in her stomach.

'Poor theramore,' she said, 'this place caught between light and d-DYER NO!'

'What?' said a large bear - morphing into a tall, swarthy Nightelf - as he emerged from behind one of the dock's lumberpiles.

Sarana wrinkled her nose. "Marvellous, Dyermaker. Two or so paragraphs of ambience and foreshadowing, and the first thing you go and do is take a Dyer-sized dump the moment you set foot in the story. That's just great."

"It's not my fault," said Dyer, sounding hurt. "The smell of fish always sets me off -"

"And the smell of trees, that does you in too,' said NOOB as he passed them both, a large burlap sack on his back. "Oh and snow. Don't forget snow, that reaaaallly sets him off," he said over his shoulder as he kept walking. "Seriously, don't ever go to Winterspring with Dyer, there was this one time..." his voice trailed off.

Sarana looked around for Detheria, and then scolded herself for doing so. Rogues. No doubt her stealthy companion had already slinked ahead, seeking to lighten a pocket or two before meeting them at Theramore's Lonely Inn. Again the drums of Ogrimmar rumbled and, cruelly motivated, Sarana nodded for Dyermaker to follow her along the pier.

Chauda and NOOB were waiting for them.

"The mounts are good to go, let's do it." said Chauda from within the shadow of his robes, which crackled with a mystic energy all of their own.

"Sweet, I'm ready!" said Dyermaker, his trousers immediately dropping to his ankles.

"Oh gawd," said Sarana from behind her hands. She looked up at the sky, as if addressing nobody in particular, "I'd quit while you're ahead, if I were you."

"Oh hell yeah," said NOOB, "there was this one time at Eastvale Lumber Camp when -"

 **Interlude: 2am. An upstairs bedchamber, The Lonely Inn, Theramore Isle**

Sarana slept, dappled moonlight across her body the room's only concession to light. Underneath the window, a light breeze played across the fur of Dyermaker's ursine body, his staccato snores and farts occasionally breaking the silence of night.

Dyermaker preferred to sleep as bear, and had been doing so for years. The children of Darnassus called him a True Druid, that he would dream as an animal. Dyermaker, however, was merely of a mind that people hate flatulent snorers, but few of them are willing to wake a 600-pound, sleep-deprived bear.

Up above, the assassin slowly pushed a ceiling dr ape aside, unfurled herself from the rafters, and fluidly dropped down. Her knees flexed, palms almost brushing the floorboards. A day and a half of motionlessness had not dulled her lithe, slim, Bloodelf body. Murderous intent flashed across her pale face, the daggers already in her hands. With her next breath she would plunge them deep into Sarana's heart and throat.


The assassin's eyes flicked to the window, the source of the sound - but the smooth, angry stone had already found it's target. Thrown back by the force of impact to her skull, the unconcious assassin somersaulted and crashed to the floor in a humiliating parody of her usual acrobatic skill, daggers clattering harmlessly away.

Sarana, awake, fumbled in panic for light.

"Here Sar," said a rough, familiar voice, "I got you covered."

A lantern by the window was suddenly alight, and Sarana could already see the grin of the Nightelf who had saved her, as he sat jauntily atop the sleeping Dyermaker. In one hand he absent-mindedly juggled a pair of smooth white stones, in the other he grasped a long, slender metal rod with a club at one end, like some arcane walking stick.

"NINJA!", Sarana clapped with delight, "What on earth are you doing here - out there? or should I not ask? And what is that ... thing?"

"Oh this?," said Ninja, waving the metal rod, "This is my Felsteel Long-Nine-iron."

He shrugged, embarrassed, towards the open window. "Oh, I was just practicing my Shadowslice. Needs work."

"Ah," said Sarana. Rogues. Night golf. "But of course."

"Hmmmph, I thought I could smell Ninja," said Dyermaker. "Now get off me, I can smell Bloodelf too."

"She's all yours hon," said Sarana, motioning Dyer towards the hapless, unconcious assassin. Two hours. She'd give Dyer two hours, and then the Bloodelf would tell her everything. They always did, after Dyermaker. The bloodelf had tried to murder her in cold blood, but Sarana could not suppress a twinge of guilt, of pity for her would-be assassin.

"Sweet!" said Dyer, shuffling around the bed with his pants around his ankles. "Hey Ninja, you sure did hit her pretty good -"

Dyermaker pointed to the huge swelling right in the middle of the Bloodelf's forehead. "I mean, look at the size of that...

 "Thats what she said!" Ninja exclaimed.

Both of them began to giggle like a couple of school girls at the Bratz premiere.

"Hey what's going on guys?' NOOB asked.

Both Dyermaker and Ninja shifted uneasily. "Ummm.....wait, hang on....NOOB, you want to become a man just like me?"

NOOB giggled heartily. "Dyer, everyone knows you arent a....wait! Whats that?"

The dead weight at Dyermaker's side began to convulse. The would-be assassin began shaking violently. Dyermaker let go of her ankle and stood back. The glow expanded from her chest and illuminated the room brightly. An orb pushed its way out of her chest and rolled onto the floor with an ominous thud.

NOOB approached it and picked it up. "Its the [Essence of Time].....well that was easy. What do we do now?'

"I dont know about you guys, but I got my weekend ALLLLL planned out!" Dyermaker exclaimed. He bent down and hoisted the corpse onto his shoulder, elven blood ran down his shirt as he turned to the others. "Ill see you guys later!"

Forum Jump:

Users browsing this thread: 2 Guest(s)